Show Review – Havana Rakatan

I once dated an English girl who spoke fluent Spanish; a talent that I admittedly found incredibly sexy. She had mesmerising Mediterranean features; classic olive skin, beautiful dark hair and a face so perfect it made grown men weak at the knees. She is also the reason I am now addicted to paella.

She was perhaps the nearest girl to ‘my type’ that I’ve ever dated. On paper, I prefer a brunette with brown eyes to any other female mix you care to throw at me. So with this in mind, watching a group of unbelievably attractive Spanish dancers whilst on a blind date with a blue-eyed blonde girl was not the wisest choice I’ve ever made.
                                                                                             
Cuban dance show Havana Rakatan was only twenty minutes in and already I was in love. Unfortunately for my blind date, it was with a girl I could only refer to as ‘Hot Dancer Number 5’, given that she was five across to the left of centre-stage and I had no idea what her name was. I was in awe of her beauty. Naturally, she was in amazing shape because of ‘all the dancing’ but her face too was a thing to behold. I decided there and then that I simply had to marry a hot dancer. Perhaps not Hot Dancer Number 5 though as she was probably sleeping with one of the annoyingly good-looking male dancers from Havana Rakatan (assuming at least one of them was straight).

So on a sticky June evening in a theatre more sweaty than a teenager’s bedroom, I suddenly found myself weighing up the pros and cons of marrying a professional dancer as my blue-eyed, blonde blind date sat next to me doing a sort of ‘salsa shuffle’ to the music that in all honesty made her look a little bit scary. Occasionally, during a costume change, she’d throw a comment my way about her time in Cuba and how she got really bad sunburn because her skin was “very Scandinavian.” This was very off-putting as you can imagine. And if you can’t imagine, I’ll paint the picture for you.

Me (in my head): “The big problem of course would be attracting a hot female dancer. I imagine they run in very tight-knit ‘dancey circles.’ Plus the appeal of a lad like myself might diminish in front of all her hunky dancer mates. Then there’s the hours she works. If she’s in a show she’d probably be working every night and have the days off. Hanging out in the gym wearing sweatpants and a headband. Maybe I could start wearing these to my gym? If I gave off the confidence of a dancer then I might…”

Blind date: “It’s quite hot in here isn’t it? My back is sweating.”

Me (to blind date): “Yes it is. I think the a/c is on the blink. The dancers are good though.”

Me (in my head): “… I might be in with a chance. Although what if she’s a bit ‘jazz hands’ all the time? Bursting into dance in the meat section of Sainsbury’s. Could I handle that? I guess I’d get used to it although it might embarrass me when she meets my family. In saying that my family and I have a great time when we go bowling. She could turn it in to a scene from Grease 2. Wow! That would be awesome plus…”

Blind date: “You look like you’re really concentrating on the show. Are you enjoying it? I’m still quite hot. Do you know where the toilets are? I might go and splash my Scandinavian skin with water.”

Me (to blind date): “Er, yeah. I’m really focusing on the band. The drummer is fantastic. Very talented. The toilets? Near the bar when we came in. Big queues. Can you get me an ice-cream if you go?”

Me (in my head): “…Plus she’d be very healthy which would only benefit me. I don’t have any gay mates either so I could borrow hers to look cool. Although I do famously attract male attention. I wonder why this is? Do I look gay? On the way here a guy on a bike wolf-whistled at me and said I had a nice arse. That was pretty funny and a compliment is a compliment. If her gay mates liked me she’d be really pleased, as historically I’m rubbish at getting on with my girlfriend’s friends. This could work out great. Her female mates would be hot too. I could introduce them to my single chums who could all end up having…”

Blind date: “What flavour?”

Me (to blind date): “Sex with a hot female dancer.”

Blind date: “What?”

Me (to blind date): “Sex with a hot female dancer. If I had a girlfriend who was a hot dancer my mates could end up having sex with her mates. They’d be really pleased if I sorted that out.”

Blind date: “Have you just been sitting here this whole time perving in your head over the female dancers? You’re a total loser! I’m getting the hell out of here. Don’t expect me to come back with your f**king ice-cream!”

Me (in my head): “Mint chocolate.”

So, yeah, Havana Rakatan. Panned by the critics but I thought it was definitely worth a look. Perhaps not with a date though.

Lee Krawczyk