Film Review - Hancock

Hancock (2008)
Dir: Peter Berg
Starring: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron
Running Time: 93 minutes
Release Date: July 08

Having not done my research before seeing Hancock, I had absolutely no idea how long Will Smith’s latest blockbuster was going to last. Not that I make a habit of checking out running times like some sort of celluloid geek you understand. But as I sat in the cinema having drunk far too much water during the build-up to the film, I was about to actively engage in the classic ‘Going to the Toilet in the Middle of a Movie’ challenge.

The film was only 50 minutes in when the challenge began. I suddenly felt a pang in my groin that surprisingly wasn’t caused by Charlize Theron. This was definitely my bladder giving in to the gallon or so of Evian I’d drank earlier in the day. Now, I’m all for holding-out during a football game in a busy pub, but this is largely because I have an annoying habit of missing winning goals when I do decide to risk it. Either that or when I get back my seat has been stolen, usually by a girl, who needed it to sit with her mates in the corner and talk about important things like Gok Wan. In the cinema though, you have much better odds of returning to your seat without incident. Or do you?

For starters, you have to find your way out of your row. This usually involves politely asking a dozen or more strangers to move as you tackle an obstacle course of popcorn, nachos, handbags and guide dogs. Some people won’t even bother to try and move. Instead, they’ll sink back into their seat and let it flip up a bit, leaving them with their knees by their ears and their legs dangling over the edge. They end up looking like a novelty ventriloquist’s puppet sat on its trunk during a Royal Variety act. What they’re essentially doing is giving you an extra two centimetres of space to squeeze through. These people are known as arseholes.

Then you have to get down the steps, in the dark, without tripping over some 7ft giant’s leg as it hangs out of an aisle seat like a Viking ship’s oar. If you do prat-fall down the aisle you’re going to get spotted, seeing as everyone is looking in the direction you’re heading. You’ll almost certainly get laughed at. Probably in Dolby Digital Surround Sound.

Once you’ve made it out of the auditorium you have to run as quickly as possible to the toilet in an attempt to minimise ‘lost film time’. This can be tricky in today’s colossal multiplexes and you’ll probably get lost. By the time you’ve found the toilet you’ll have covered several miles. Enough distance to at least warrant sponsorship and a donation to charity.

With the toilet business all dealt with, it’s a simple case of heading straight back the way you came, into the auditorium and back up the stairs to your seat. At least it should be. But you’re disorientated now. You’ve gone from the dark lights of the auditorium, in to the glare of the multiplex corridor, and then back in to the cave of darkness. All of a sudden you could be looking at the screen thinking, “I don’t remember there being robots in ‘Mamma Mia!’” as your ‘girlfriend’s’ thigh that you’ve put your hand back on suddenly feels a lot more muscular than you remember. If this happens you’ve walked back in to the wrong theatre and are probably about to get punched in the face.

If you do manage to find it back the correct auditorium, there is the new fear of tripping-up the stairs as you jog vigorously to your row. Either that or your flies could be open and you’ve got several metres worth of toilet role stuck to your shoe; leaving you looking a bit like the Andrex puppy but a lot less cute.

With all this in mind you’re probably better off just holding it in, hoping that the damage you’re causing to your internal organs is not permanent.

So, yeah, Hancock. Quite a disappointing film if I’m honest and only worth a rental if you’re bored.

Lee Krawczyk